In a few months, I will have the honor and the pleasure of attending the wedding of a woman I’ve known since she was a mere fetus that I would refer to as “Spike.” Pondering her path from zygote to soon-to-be-married-college-graduate has gotten me thinking about the phases that people go through during that journey. I should note that, as a childless woman myself, my experience of the phases of youth is entirely from the outside of the normal parenting channels.

Phase one: Lump of protoplasm. Oh, look, a baby. It’s either sleeping or making odd squeaking noises. My cat is more interesting. Blessedly, a short phase, for those of us whose role is merely to coo and say nice things.

Phase two: Unabashedly adorable, punctuated by periods of  screaming insanity. This is the age that both inspires women to search for a husband, and men to search for a vasectomy. Although in all fairness, it works both ways: many a woman has been inspired to renew her prescription after being behind a woman in the grocery line who’s dealing with a toddler trying to break glass two counties away via high-frequency shrieking. And many a man has been known to fall in love seeing his girlfriend hold her baby niece or nephew in her arms.

Phase Three: Unabashedly adorable, without the poop and stuff: Their eyes are big, they are adventurous and wise and beautiful, they can speak in full sentences and don’t ask you to wipe their butt for them while mom’s on the phone. This is the age of playing catch and playing dolls and playing pretend and just playing and playing and playing. Fun all around. Except for the occasional relapses into shriekdom, or occasional premonitions of bratdom.

Phase Four: The Brat Years. Where did the cute go? This phase is an exercise in narcissism, poor hygiene, and slavish devotion to vague trends that change every three days. And an undeniable urge to make negative comments on everything you say or do. Only tolerable because of (a) occasional lapses into unabashed adorableness, and (b) occasional flashes of utter brilliance.

Phase Five: Adolescence! The beginning of adulthood. The awareness of the world outside, for good or ill, the change from “what do I want to be when I grow up?” to “how do I fit into the world?” The Big Questions. The Big Picture. A curiosity and brilliance untouched by cynicism (even though they think they’re more jaded than anyone).

Phase Six: Wow.